I Missed Myself

“I was released from prison as soon as my stitches healed, and I tried to get my life back together. I used to work at a bank before I got caught with my hand in the cookie jar. I was trying to find a job when a public assistance lawyer called me. It turned out that the goon who did this to me was a major dealer, and he had a lot of money. They went after his assets, and I got a nice settlement. Enough to have an operation.”

I sat transfixed as she went on. “I’m gay, but I never thought about becoming a woman. But once I lost my balls, the doctors told me I could make it as a chick and have a normal sex life. So I decided, what do I have to lose?”

“You’re beautiful,” I blurted out. “Nobody would ever know.”

“Thanks,” she blushed. “And you know what? I love being a girl now. And I think you would too.”

“No way,” I said. “I’m not gay.”

“So what? Face the facts. You got neutered, same as me. So you’re not a man any more. You’ve got two choices. You can take testosterone shots for the rest of your life and try to get it up, if your head lets you. Or you can go the other way.”

“I don’t want to be a woman.”

“Look at yourself. Just like me, you’re pretty, thin and short for a guy. I would never have suggested this if you didn’t have all the ingredients. We already know how you feel about spending the rest of your life without any balls. Why not find out what it feels like to be a beautiful woman? Who knows, you might just like it.”

It was all so incredibly bizarre. An hour ago, I was resigned to a barren existence. Now a total stranger was opening another door, to a place which terrified me. What would people say? Yet as I looked at her, watched her move and listened to the way she talked, the whole notion somehow seemed less preposterous. “What makes you think I’d like it,” I heard myself ask.